I've always had a missionary's heart, even back to before I could remember my own address.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A missionary."
It's always been on the back burner of my heart. In the summer of 2011 I went on my first mission trip. I loved it, and while it was an amazing experience that I will remember for the rest of my life, I have to admit that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be; in my head at least. I distinctly remember deciding that being a missionary wasn't something I really wanted to do anymore. It aggravated me when people acted like I was automatically going to be a missionary just because I wanted to be one when I was young.
Nonetheless, the next summer I decided to go to Australia on a mission trip. That trip changed.my.life. Looking back, I'm not sure I could pinpoint one aspect about the trip that made me say in my heart, this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. But the ache for the unsaved people of the world that had been on the back burner of my heart for so long had been moved to the front.
It has been changing my perspective ever since. As I scroll through the Home Decor section on my Pinterest page, I quietly think to myself that I may never have the pleasure of owning a nice house. That I may never have tons and tons of books like I have always wished. And suddenly, this small thing has made my heart unsteady. I am beginning to realize how much I will lose if I do end up on the mission field. My loyalties are being tested. The Holy Spirit subtly whispers, asking how far I will really go to serve Him.
I am still unsure of exactly what direction I will pursue when I graduate. I'm leaving it up to God to guide me. But I am realizing that while I am perfectly fine talking about giving up everything for Him, when it comes down to it, I'm not so eager.
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