Healing

Every girl has or has had some kind of insecurity. Every.girl.

I don't care how small or seemingly insignificant. Every girl has had some kind of insecurity.

Well, obviously, I'm a girl, which means I have had insecurities. Everything from "I'm not good enough." to "I'm so stupid." to "I will never, ever be as pretty as ____." I never particularly thought of myself as ugly, but I never considered myself pretty either. I wore makeup, but considerably less than the average teenager. I didn't think my self-image was really a problem in that area.

Then one day I realized two things about myself. 1) I never, ever, felt pretty unless I was 'done up.' Since I'm homeschooled, most days I look like a mess, to be honest. I normally only put on nice clothes and do my hair and makeup if I'm going to church. The rest of the time when I looked in the mirror, I would simply dismiss my appearance because I wasn't 'fixed up.' But I realized that when I had done my hair and makeup, that's the only time I felt pretty. To me, that was a problem, because I had thought that I was secure in my self-image. I had thought that I always felt pretty. I guess I thought of the done up version of me as the real version. The other me, the one with sweats on and her hair in a messy ponytail was just a pre-version of the real me. 2) I discovered that the idea that a boy could ever find me attractive was so remote it sounded foreign. I thought that never, ever, ever in a million years could a boy find me attractive.

So, my self-image was no where near what I had thought it was. And that bothered me. I knew that as a daughter of the living God, I should feel beautiful because He made me. But I didn't. Only with makeup smothering my face and my hair fried to perfection could I be pretty. That's not what God thinks. I didn't really know what to do about my secret problem, so I didn't do anything. I just let it sit in the background of my heart. This summer when I came home from my mission trip to Australia, I realized something in my heart had changed. I, suddenly and totally out of the blue, realized I didn't like the way I looked with makeup on anymore. I couldn't explain it. I had worn makeup in Australia and it didn't bother me then. I never had a life-changing moment when I realized that I was beautiful no matter what. I just knew that I now liked myself better without makeup. This, coming from a person who hardly believed that she could be pretty without it!

I still don't know exactly what happened in Australia that changed me in that way. But I know God healed me. Why? Because He loves me. He did it because He cares and because it pains Him to see me hating the way I look. Today, I looked at myself with my baggy t-shirt, yoga pants and horrible (and when I say horrible I mean HORRIBLE) hair day, and you know what? I felt beautiful.