"You are worth it."

I'm leaving for Texas in August to go to the Honor Academy for a full year, and it is slowly becoming more real to me. I'm beginning to experience "lasts": My last year of volleyball, last year of school, last year of co-op, etc. I continually find myself looking forward and seeing all the things I'm not going to be doing anymore; all the things I'm leaving behind.

I often think of all my friends that I'm leaving behind; every time I'm with them, it's always at the back of my mind that this is another countdown: I only have so many times left with them before I leave. As I go through my days, hanging out with my brothers and helping take care of the two little boys we babysit everyday, I am always reminded that I don't have much time left; that soon there will be a day when I don't get to be around my two brothers, two of my very best friends, all day every day anymore. Every time I babysit Brennan and McKenna, the two awesome kids I babysit on  regular basis, I know that the time is precious, that there's only so much left before I leave.

I know that even though I'll only be at the Honor Academy for a year, God will be taking somewhere else after it. I'm not called to stay in Lafayette for the rest of my life; I know that for a fact. When I leave in August, it will have a finality that sometimes, I don't feel ready for at all. Sometimes, I just cry. I cry out to God, telling Him that I'm not ready for this yet. I can't just leave; I'm too young! How could I leave all these beautiful people that I love so very much? My heart cries in agony, knowing that I will miss them in a way I've never missed anyone before.

But God has called me; of this I am certain. He's called me to surrender, and follow Him no matter the cost. I've decided to follow Jesus, no turning back. And every time I get sad, every time my heart cries out that it's too soon, that I haven't had enough time, I say to Him, "You are worth it."

Taking the Offensive

I played volleyball on a competitive team for 5 years before graduating this year, and I've learned a lot from my experience on the team. 

Right now God is really challenging me to be more consistent and passionate in my prayer life. He's showing me this way: 

There are two ways to play volleyball as a team. You can play defensively, or you can play offensively. When a team plays defensively, they are only trying to keep the other team from getting a point. They don't usually get the ideal three hits before sending the ball back over the net, and when they do, it's usually a really easy ball that the opponent will have no problem returning. They are merely trying to survive, and depending on the other team to make a mistake for them to get a point. When a team plays offensively, they are constantly setting themselves up so their third hit can be an attack, hopefully an attack that the other team cannot possibly return. Every hit on the ball has purpose, and they never send an easy ball over the net. They do not wait for the other team to make a mistake to get a point, they aggressively pursue the points. Every time the ball goes over the net, they realize that this is their opportunity to make a point, and they don't squander any of these opportunities. The other team has to be constantly ready to move and dive for the ball because this team isn't sending over any easy balls. 

God wants me to take the offensive in my prayer life. I am not here merely to survive and try to recover every time the devil attacks me, just barely being able to keep myself together until the next attack comes. God has called me to take the offensive, taking every opportunity to attack the devil. I'm not called to try to take what he sends me and recover from it, I'm supposed to take it, set myself up for an attack, and then take it! I should be giving the devil a hard time, and he should be barely recovering from my attacks. I should not be sending him any easy balls!  When I sit down to pray, when I set up for an attack, he should be scared out of his wits, wetting his pants, trying his best to prepare for an attack he knows he cannot possibly return. 

Distracted.

I never wake up in the morning and think to myself, "I'm not going to spend time alone with God today. I don't feel like it. There's a lot of other things that I'd rather do." I don't wake up with the intention of crossing my quiet time off my to-do list in favor of anything that might strike my fancy as the day goes on. But it happens. It's true for every single Christian, ever. Everyone, at some point or another, chooses the world over God; chooses doing whatever we want instead of choosing Him. 

How does it happen? I fall into bed at night, angry at myself for letting it happen again, promising myself it won't happen tomorrow. It won't! But what happens? I do it again. The next night I chastise myself and cry and despair and make a million promises I can't keep. "Why?" I ask myself. Why do I constantly choose not to spend time with Him? 

Here's the answer: because I'm always intending to get around to it, eventually. You see, Satan doesn't have to come and try to get me not to do my quiet time. He doesn't have to try to make me cross it off my list completely; he doesn't have to convince me it's not worth my time. He only has to distract me. That's it. He doesn't even have to try to make me sin! It could be anything. A lot of times for me it's in the morning when he throws the load of school I have for the day in my face, insisting it's urgent enough that I have to do it before my quiet time. Then I remember I'm reading this awesome book and maybe I could read a few chapters before lunch... I couldn't fit my quiet time between now and lunch anyways. And then I remember I need to shower because we're going somewhere later; better do that. Then I remember tomorrow is violin lesson and I haven't practiced at all this week; I probably should before my lesson. Mmm, I'm feeling lazy now and Netflix is calling to me with its sweet, seductively time-wasting promise of brain-dead pleasure. Oh darn, now we have to go somewhere! When I get back, I inevitably feel a little unsettled since I'm an introvert, so I need some tea and a book and maybe some knitting to relax, then I'll do my quiet time before bed. But this book is so enthralling, and before I know it, it's ten till midnight and I'm mad at myself for letting time get away from me and staying up this late. I have to get to bed immediately or I won't get up till ten tomorrow! 

And then this is the part where I get angry at myself for not doing my quiet time. I cannot even express in words how often the day described above is more or less, my average day. That's exactly how it happens. 

So what's the solution? How do I dedicate my whole heart to God and devote myself to Him? I have to strive to make Him a priority. He has to be at the top of my list, sitting on the throne of my busy day, and absolutely nothing can be allowed to dethrone Him for any reason at all. He has to come before everything, literally. I have to wake up and praise Him and read His word first thing, or it'll never happen. I have to set rules for myself. I have to say, "Faith, you cannot read, cannot do school, cannot watch Netflix, cannot get on Pinterest (the other time-wasting king), cannot knit, cannot do anything, until you get on your knees and seek Him. 

Nothing is more important.