Reality Check

The day after tomorrow my 2 brothers and I will be heading to Baja California, Mexico on a mission trip. This will be my 3rd mission trip, including a past trip to Mexico. Last night I was getting really excited to go.
Like, I think someone would've thought I was hyperventilating. I was so excited.
Then the Holy Spirit hit me with a reality check.
Are you excited for your sake or Mine?
Are you excited for your own good or for My people's good?
Are you excited because of the things YOU'RE going to experience and the people YOU'RE going to see and the things YOU'RE going to do and the people YOU'RE going to reach?
...when really you should be excited about MY people being reached and what I am going to do and who I will touch and how I am going to change you.
Talk about conviction!!
Lord, help me to stop focusing on myself and to see through Your eyes. Help me to focus on Your people and sharing Your love. Remind me that I fundraised not for myself but for the people You love whom You have called to your service.
I love you.

Santa

Imagine this:
A little girl is waiting in line at the mall, anxious to meet Santa Clause. Her little hands won't stop moving in anticipation. She is nervous, but excited. She feels like the time will never come. But finally, she is next in line, and making her way up to Santa's lap. She smiles nervously up at him, and and his warm smile makes her immediately feel comfortable. But then he asks her, "Have you been a good little girl this year?"
Her breath catches in her throat, and all the times she has not been a good little girl come to mind. Her little heart starts beating a thousand miles an hour, and tears start to roll down her cheeks.
"No, Santa, I haven't been a good little girl. I've lied to my parents, and fought with my brothers. I'm not a good little girl."
Santa smiled. "That's okay."
She gasps and looks up at him, tears still rolling down down her little cheeks.
"I don't expect you to be perfect.

I am the little girl, and Jesus is Santa. I come to Him with anticipation, anxious to be close to my King. I come before Him, sit with Him, and He welcomes me. However, as I sit with Him, I realize how messed up I am. I look at Him and say, "You don't really want me. I'm not good enough for You."
But He looks at me, smiles, and says, "That's okay. I don't expect you to be perfect."

Different

What if we looked at our lives differently?
I think in this westernized American culture, we tend to complain a lot. If we don't do it out loud, it's under our breath or in our attitudes.
I make lists a lot. It helps me sort out my thoughts. So every noght, I make myself a to-do list for the next day, so I can make sure I get everything done. One night as I was making my to-do list, I was feeling like, well, complaining. My list looked something like this:
-Shower
-Quiet Time
-School
-Chores
-Clean the House
-Practice Violin
It's not a very long list, but I didn't really feel like doing any of this. At all. But the Holy Spirit challenged me to write it like this:
-I get to get up and take a hot shower
-I get to spend time with my King and Best Friend ever
-Then I get to have an education, unlike millions of girls my age worldwide.
-I will then help take care of the house that I am privileged to live in.
-Then I get to worship my King by playing my best on my violin
It makes my life seem a whole lot better, doesn't it? I think this is the way God intended for us to see our lives all the time.

Grace

You know every dark corner of my heart. You know every evil intention, every time I try to look good instead of trying to serve You. You know when I secretly despise You; You know when I don't want to do anything you ask of me. You know that in my heart I don't believe You actually see any of this; and I think I can continue to keep it a secret, down in the basement of my heart.
But You love me too much for that.
So You will go into the deepest corner of my heart and rip out every evil part of me. It will hurt. I will scream, and kick, and cry as You do. I will tell You I hate you and turn my back on You. But even as I do all of this, You will continue, and as You take out every part of me that is despicable, You will place it on Yourself. You will take all my dirtiness, and put it on Yourself.
You love me THAT much.
I will finally be clean. And we will be together.
And I know for a fact that I will fail again. And you will take it on Yourself, despite my kicking, screaming, fit.
But Your grace.
Your grace.
It covers me.

Healing

Every girl has or has had some kind of insecurity. Every.girl.

I don't care how small or seemingly insignificant. Every girl has had some kind of insecurity.

Well, obviously, I'm a girl, which means I have had insecurities. Everything from "I'm not good enough." to "I'm so stupid." to "I will never, ever be as pretty as ____." I never particularly thought of myself as ugly, but I never considered myself pretty either. I wore makeup, but considerably less than the average teenager. I didn't think my self-image was really a problem in that area.

Then one day I realized two things about myself. 1) I never, ever, felt pretty unless I was 'done up.' Since I'm homeschooled, most days I look like a mess, to be honest. I normally only put on nice clothes and do my hair and makeup if I'm going to church. The rest of the time when I looked in the mirror, I would simply dismiss my appearance because I wasn't 'fixed up.' But I realized that when I had done my hair and makeup, that's the only time I felt pretty. To me, that was a problem, because I had thought that I was secure in my self-image. I had thought that I always felt pretty. I guess I thought of the done up version of me as the real version. The other me, the one with sweats on and her hair in a messy ponytail was just a pre-version of the real me. 2) I discovered that the idea that a boy could ever find me attractive was so remote it sounded foreign. I thought that never, ever, ever in a million years could a boy find me attractive.

So, my self-image was no where near what I had thought it was. And that bothered me. I knew that as a daughter of the living God, I should feel beautiful because He made me. But I didn't. Only with makeup smothering my face and my hair fried to perfection could I be pretty. That's not what God thinks. I didn't really know what to do about my secret problem, so I didn't do anything. I just let it sit in the background of my heart. This summer when I came home from my mission trip to Australia, I realized something in my heart had changed. I, suddenly and totally out of the blue, realized I didn't like the way I looked with makeup on anymore. I couldn't explain it. I had worn makeup in Australia and it didn't bother me then. I never had a life-changing moment when I realized that I was beautiful no matter what. I just knew that I now liked myself better without makeup. This, coming from a person who hardly believed that she could be pretty without it!

I still don't know exactly what happened in Australia that changed me in that way. But I know God healed me. Why? Because He loves me. He did it because He cares and because it pains Him to see me hating the way I look. Today, I looked at myself with my baggy t-shirt, yoga pants and horrible (and when I say horrible I mean HORRIBLE) hair day, and you know what? I felt beautiful.

The Future

A few nights ago, as I was finally getting to bed (way later than I had planned) I started to think about the future of this country and all the prophecies that are slowly but surely coming to pass as told in Revelation and all throughout the Bible. As I considered how fast the end times are coming, and the uncertainty and fear that will be throughout the Earth, and all the persecution and difficulties the church and Christians will face, I began to get fearful and worriesome. Now I'm not one to get worried easily, but when I consider the future, it's not hard for me to get anxious.
So I lay there in my bed thinking and thinking and thinking, and worrying and worring and worrying, till I knew there was no way I was going to fall asleep at that rate. Earlier, right after the election, I had found an encouraging scripture, so I decided to search through Psalms till I found it.
I found way more than I had expected to.
Psalm 62:1-2, 5-8,& 11-12
My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken. Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard, that You, O God, are strong, and that You, O Lord, are loving. Surely You will reward each person according to what he has done.
Psalm 103:1-4
Praise the Lord, O my soul, all my inmost being, praise His Holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not His benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and who crowns you with love and compassion.
Psalm 112:4, 6-7
Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man. Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever. He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
By the time I had found the one I was looking for, I hardly needed it.
Psalm 146
Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord, O my soul. I will praise the Lord all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save. When their spirit departs, they will return to the ground; on that day their very plans will come to nothing. Blessed is he whose trust is in the God of Jacob, whose help is in the Lord His God, the maker of heaven and earth., the sea, and everythng in them - the Lord, who remains faithful forever. The Lord sets prisoners free. the Lord gives sight to the blind, the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down, the Lord loves the righteous. The Lord watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow, but He frustrates he way of the wicked.
Then of course there's Romans 8:28 which promises that God will always work for the good of those who love Him.

This picture perfectly describes how I felt that night. He is faithful. And no one, not even the government, can dictate my future but Him.

The Rule

It's like a rule, in my head. I have to spend time with God everyday. Why? Because He's what I live for, and He wants me to. So I have to. But if I don't, all of a sudden that broken rule convicts me. I am no longer on the right track, I have gotten off His plan for me and I have failed God. It's the one rule that cannot be broken. 

It's something that I'm trying to overcome without downplaying the importance of spending time with Him. I have to try and wrap my head around the concept of a God who is forgiving me every single second. Who would forget my sins immediately after they happen. All He wants is to be in perfect communion with me. So forget the last mistake and start here, He says. Here, now, is all that exists. 

He doesn't collectively sigh every time I make a mistake. He never thinks, she failed. I was hoping this time she would get it right. Looking back, it sounds preposterous for a God who knows everything about us, all of our dark hearts and all of our nature, to expect us not to fail. But I realize now that I actually believed it. 

If I broke the rule, God was disappointed in me. He was desperately hoping I would actually make it this time.

I believed this!!! One day He wrote me this:

Faith,

I know you're not perfect and I don't expect you to be. I know you're going to fail sometimes. But now that you're here, I just want you to pursue Me like nothing ever happened. All is forgiven. I have already forgotten, so can we move on now? 

Love, 

Jehovah

He doesn't expect us to be perfect. He understands. And it's not a rule. If we skip a day, He's right there waiting. 

The Sacrifice

Recently I have started toying with the idea of becoming a permanent missionary after graduating. To sell everything and move to a foreign country and serve God. To give up everything I've ever known, everyone I've ever known. 

I've always had a missionary's heart, even back to before I could remember my own address.

 "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"A missionary." 

It's always been on the back burner of my heart. In the summer of 2011 I went on my first mission trip. I loved it, and while it was an amazing experience that I will remember for the rest of my life, I have to admit that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be; in my head at least. I distinctly remember deciding that being a missionary wasn't something I really wanted to do anymore. It aggravated me when people acted like I was automatically going to be a missionary just because I wanted to be one when I was young.  

Nonetheless, the next summer I decided to go to Australia on a mission trip. That trip changed.my.life. Looking back, I'm not sure I could pinpoint one aspect about the trip that made me say in my heart, this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. But the ache for the unsaved people of the world that had been on the back burner of my heart for so long had been moved to the front.

It has been changing my perspective ever since. As I scroll through the Home Decor section on my Pinterest page, I quietly think to myself that I may never have the pleasure of owning a nice house. That I may never have tons and tons of books like I have always wished. And suddenly, this small thing has made my heart unsteady. I am beginning to realize how much I will lose if I do end up on the mission field. My loyalties are being tested. The Holy Spirit subtly whispers, asking how far I will really go to serve Him. 

I am still unsure of exactly what direction I will pursue when I graduate. I'm leaving it up to God to guide me. But I am realizing that while I am perfectly fine talking about giving up everything for Him, when it comes down to it, I'm not so eager.

The Mirror Fast

A while back I read on the blog Project Inspired (projectinspired.com) about a mirror fast. Like, not looking at yourself for a week or longer. I, being homeschooled, thought, "This is gonna be easy. I don't even see anyone most of the week, so why would I look in the mirror all the time to check how I look?" Wrong! It is not easy! Do you know how many surfaces show a reflection? Do you realize how often we look at ourselves just to look?
 In the beginning I had to consiously be very aware of my surroundings to avoid seeing myself. The fast became about not looking at myself. It was about my reflection. It was about me, not looking at me.  About halfway into the week, it began to come more naturally. Everytime I happened to glance in a reflection of myself, I simply turned away. It stopped being about me. It was about not constantly looking at myself to see how I look, not constantly thinking of what myself and others thought about me.
I have realized that the majority of the time, if there is a reflection of myself, I will stare into it just because. I like to see myself; I like to vainly think how pretty I am, or beat myself up about a bad hair day. I like to look at other girls and at the next chance I get, look at myself to compare. Am I as pretty? Do guys notice me as much as her? Does my hair look better than her today? Is my make-up as pretty as hers?
The result is either pride or shame. And neither of them fit God's perfect plan for my life.
Another thing to consider is this: if I am constantly looking and gazing at myself, how much more should I look to others, since its says in the bible to love your neighbor as yourself! And how much more should I be looking to God!! Surely He is worthy of just as much as me attention and more.