"Good at This"

I will admit that publishing this post will be very hard for me; but God has called me to swallow my pride and keep my eyes on Him.

I remember at one point in Mexico (maybe one day I might stop learning things from this trip; I doubt it) the Project Directors were giving out the recognitions for how many years the Global Expeditions alumni had been with GE. The minimum amount of years for recognition is 3, so if I go on a trip this summer I will get recognized. So I remember thinking about that, and thinking something along the lines of "When am I going to get good at this? When will I be able to go on a mission trip and have it all together; be an expert at it? Maybe when they take me up to the front as a 3 year alumni, people will think I'm a good Christian; that I know what I'm doing. Then I'll be someone to look up to." Yeah, I really thought that.

When am I going to get good at this? When will I have it all together? The answer is never. I will never, ever, get good at being a Christian and/or missionary. In 35 years, no matter how dedicated I am to Christ, no matter how much I've sacrificed for the Gospel, no matter how "good" I am, I still will need Christ just as much as today. I will still need His Grace. I will still need His Mercy. I will still need His Love.
And nothing but His Grace will keep me from falling apart. Still.

I want to be independent. Even though I will openly proclaim that He is my everything, I secretly desire in my heart to do things in my own strength so that I can get the glory. So that this summer if I go on a mission trip and I stand up at the front, people will look at me and say SHE is amazing and SHE is dedicated and SHE is a good person and SHE has it all together.

But the truth is that apart from Him we can do nothing. In everything we do, He deserves the Glory because He's the one who accomplished it through us. If I stand up at the front this summer, it will only be by His Grace.

I mentioned in one of my previous posts that some mornings in Mexico, I wanted to lie down and quit so badly that He was the only one who got me through. Isn't it amazing that I can experience that, and still try to take all the glory for myself? I know that if someone did that to me, I would have a whole lot of grace with them.

But God is good. He's good at this. We only need to listen and obey.