Tangible Love

God is so faithful. I say it so often it sounds redundant but really, for lack of a better and stronger word, He is faithful. Nothing could really describe Him, nothing can ever really capture what He does for His children.

It's starting to really hit me that I'm moving to Texas in August. I'm starting to realize what it implies, and it's stirring two different reactions: excitement and sadness. I am really excited to go to Texas and seek what God has for me; I've known Teen Mania for a long time and I know that the Honor Academy will grow me in ways I never imagined possible. I'm also starting to realize that I am moving across the country and that means that I won't be able to see my closest friends and family everyday anymore. I wrote a lot about this in my last post. I say to Him, "You are worth it," because He is. He is proving to me over and over and over and over and over and over that He would never call me to something that He wouldn't walk through with me.

Recently He has given me these scriptures and songs:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:9-10

Called Me Higher by All Sons and Daughters

Counted the Cost by Rend Collective Experiment

He is Faithful by Brian and Katie Torwalt

Never Once by Matt Redman

Your Hands by J.J. Heller

If you have a chance, look up these songs. They are so Spirit-filled, and give me so much hope.

Here's a testimony about His faithfulness: Saturday night I had stayed up too late reading (as usual) and eventually had gotten to thinking about moving. I started to cry, thinking about everything that I'm leaving behind. God comforted me and I stopped crying, but I could feel it like a burden. I decided to check my Facebook before going to bed, and someone had posted "The valley of weeping is a place where we do not dwell but pass through to the heights! What a hopeful thought!" I went to bed in peace, knowing that He is with me. Then, the next morning in church, I turned around after worship, and there, sitting on my chair was a brand-new book that I have been waiting to read for almost two months. In it was a note from my former children's pastor, encouraging me to continue following God and doing what He says. It may sound dumb but that was one of the most touching gifts I have ever received, simply because it was God reaching down to me through her just to say that He cares. Pastor John's sermon was about Hope, how it is the knowing that tomorrow will be better than today.

His love for me that day was so tangible I could almost reach out and touch it. In fact, I could, in the form of a book. He is faithful. He won't call me anywhere that He won't walk next to me the whole entire time.

"You are worth it."

I'm leaving for Texas in August to go to the Honor Academy for a full year, and it is slowly becoming more real to me. I'm beginning to experience "lasts": My last year of volleyball, last year of school, last year of co-op, etc. I continually find myself looking forward and seeing all the things I'm not going to be doing anymore; all the things I'm leaving behind.

I often think of all my friends that I'm leaving behind; every time I'm with them, it's always at the back of my mind that this is another countdown: I only have so many times left with them before I leave. As I go through my days, hanging out with my brothers and helping take care of the two little boys we babysit everyday, I am always reminded that I don't have much time left; that soon there will be a day when I don't get to be around my two brothers, two of my very best friends, all day every day anymore. Every time I babysit Brennan and McKenna, the two awesome kids I babysit on  regular basis, I know that the time is precious, that there's only so much left before I leave.

I know that even though I'll only be at the Honor Academy for a year, God will be taking somewhere else after it. I'm not called to stay in Lafayette for the rest of my life; I know that for a fact. When I leave in August, it will have a finality that sometimes, I don't feel ready for at all. Sometimes, I just cry. I cry out to God, telling Him that I'm not ready for this yet. I can't just leave; I'm too young! How could I leave all these beautiful people that I love so very much? My heart cries in agony, knowing that I will miss them in a way I've never missed anyone before.

But God has called me; of this I am certain. He's called me to surrender, and follow Him no matter the cost. I've decided to follow Jesus, no turning back. And every time I get sad, every time my heart cries out that it's too soon, that I haven't had enough time, I say to Him, "You are worth it."

Taking the Offensive

I played volleyball on a competitive team for 5 years before graduating this year, and I've learned a lot from my experience on the team. 

Right now God is really challenging me to be more consistent and passionate in my prayer life. He's showing me this way: 

There are two ways to play volleyball as a team. You can play defensively, or you can play offensively. When a team plays defensively, they are only trying to keep the other team from getting a point. They don't usually get the ideal three hits before sending the ball back over the net, and when they do, it's usually a really easy ball that the opponent will have no problem returning. They are merely trying to survive, and depending on the other team to make a mistake for them to get a point. When a team plays offensively, they are constantly setting themselves up so their third hit can be an attack, hopefully an attack that the other team cannot possibly return. Every hit on the ball has purpose, and they never send an easy ball over the net. They do not wait for the other team to make a mistake to get a point, they aggressively pursue the points. Every time the ball goes over the net, they realize that this is their opportunity to make a point, and they don't squander any of these opportunities. The other team has to be constantly ready to move and dive for the ball because this team isn't sending over any easy balls. 

God wants me to take the offensive in my prayer life. I am not here merely to survive and try to recover every time the devil attacks me, just barely being able to keep myself together until the next attack comes. God has called me to take the offensive, taking every opportunity to attack the devil. I'm not called to try to take what he sends me and recover from it, I'm supposed to take it, set myself up for an attack, and then take it! I should be giving the devil a hard time, and he should be barely recovering from my attacks. I should not be sending him any easy balls!  When I sit down to pray, when I set up for an attack, he should be scared out of his wits, wetting his pants, trying his best to prepare for an attack he knows he cannot possibly return. 

Distracted.

I never wake up in the morning and think to myself, "I'm not going to spend time alone with God today. I don't feel like it. There's a lot of other things that I'd rather do." I don't wake up with the intention of crossing my quiet time off my to-do list in favor of anything that might strike my fancy as the day goes on. But it happens. It's true for every single Christian, ever. Everyone, at some point or another, chooses the world over God; chooses doing whatever we want instead of choosing Him. 

How does it happen? I fall into bed at night, angry at myself for letting it happen again, promising myself it won't happen tomorrow. It won't! But what happens? I do it again. The next night I chastise myself and cry and despair and make a million promises I can't keep. "Why?" I ask myself. Why do I constantly choose not to spend time with Him? 

Here's the answer: because I'm always intending to get around to it, eventually. You see, Satan doesn't have to come and try to get me not to do my quiet time. He doesn't have to try to make me cross it off my list completely; he doesn't have to convince me it's not worth my time. He only has to distract me. That's it. He doesn't even have to try to make me sin! It could be anything. A lot of times for me it's in the morning when he throws the load of school I have for the day in my face, insisting it's urgent enough that I have to do it before my quiet time. Then I remember I'm reading this awesome book and maybe I could read a few chapters before lunch... I couldn't fit my quiet time between now and lunch anyways. And then I remember I need to shower because we're going somewhere later; better do that. Then I remember tomorrow is violin lesson and I haven't practiced at all this week; I probably should before my lesson. Mmm, I'm feeling lazy now and Netflix is calling to me with its sweet, seductively time-wasting promise of brain-dead pleasure. Oh darn, now we have to go somewhere! When I get back, I inevitably feel a little unsettled since I'm an introvert, so I need some tea and a book and maybe some knitting to relax, then I'll do my quiet time before bed. But this book is so enthralling, and before I know it, it's ten till midnight and I'm mad at myself for letting time get away from me and staying up this late. I have to get to bed immediately or I won't get up till ten tomorrow! 

And then this is the part where I get angry at myself for not doing my quiet time. I cannot even express in words how often the day described above is more or less, my average day. That's exactly how it happens. 

So what's the solution? How do I dedicate my whole heart to God and devote myself to Him? I have to strive to make Him a priority. He has to be at the top of my list, sitting on the throne of my busy day, and absolutely nothing can be allowed to dethrone Him for any reason at all. He has to come before everything, literally. I have to wake up and praise Him and read His word first thing, or it'll never happen. I have to set rules for myself. I have to say, "Faith, you cannot read, cannot do school, cannot watch Netflix, cannot get on Pinterest (the other time-wasting king), cannot knit, cannot do anything, until you get on your knees and seek Him. 

Nothing is more important.

Courage and boldness

God has been speaking to me about boldness and courage a lot lately. He's been showing me what it means to be bold and showing me situations in which I have the chance to be bold, and I don't even realize it. 

We tend to think that being bold has a lot to do with doing crazy, adventurous things like in the movies and a lot less about making choices. However, the picture of courage and boldness that Hollywood has painted for us isn't always the case. 

You see, Hollywood has painted a picture that says that doing adventurous things and being outspoken and extroverted are equal to being bold, but God says that we are most bold when we make the right choices. Making the right choice is hard. It's hard to die to your flesh and give up what you want for what He wants! And yes, sometimes God calls us to do things that are bold in the Hollywood-sense, like me moving at Texas in August or speaking publicly, but the chance to be courageous and bold by making the right choices comes every single day. 

Now you all know by now that I'm a major bookworm, so I'm going to use an example from J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit. Because of the recent movie, you probably know part of the context, but the part I'm going to talk about isn't in the movie. 

Bilbo Baggins, a hobbit (a smallish kind of creature that dislikes any kind of disturbance or excitement in general), is on a quest to help some dwarves regain their mountain, which is being inhabited by a large dragon named Smaug. The dwarves send Bilbo into the mountain to spy on Smaug, and here's what Tolkien (or the narrator) has to say about Bilbo's courage at that moment:

"'Now you are in for it at last, Bilbo Baggins,' he said to himself. 'You went and put your foot in right in it... and now you have got to pull it out and pay for it! Dear me, what a fool I was and am! ... I have absolutely no use for dragon-guarded treasures, and the whole lot could stay here forever, if only I could wake up and find this beastly tunnel was my own front hall at home!'

He did not wake up of course, but went still on and on, till all sign if the door behind has faded away. He was altogether alone. Soon he thought it was beginning to feel warm. 'Is that a kind of glow I seem to see coming right ahead down there?' he thought.

It was. As he went forward it grew and grew, till there was no doubt about it. It was a red light steadily getting redder and redder. Also it was now undoubtedly hot in the tunnel. Wisps of vapour floated up and past him and he began to sweat. A sound, too, began to throb in his ears, a sort of bubbling like the noise of a large pot galloping on the fire, mixed with the rumble as of a gigantic tom-cat purring. This grew to the unmistakable gurgling noise of some fast animal snoring in its sleep down there in the red glow ahead of him. 

It was at this point that Bilbo stopped. Going on from here was the bravest thing he ever did. The tremendous things that happened afterwards were as nothing compared to it. He fought the real battle in the tunnel alone, before he ever saw the vast danger that lay in wait. " (J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit, pages 232-233. Emphasis mine.)

Out of all the amazing things Bilbo did in his adventures, all the courage and valor and boldness he showed in the different battles and situations, this was his bravest feat. The choice he made in that tunnel to continue to help the dwarves in the face of incredible fear was the bravest thing he ever did.  This kind of courage is not often mentioned in stories today. People like to see characters being brave is fights and battles, but you never see their personal battles going on when they make decisions. 

God is beginning to grow me in this, and teaching me how to have courage in the quiet way, when no one's watching.   

Amazed.

I just wanna give God some props for being absolutely amazing. He is so good. I think back over the past couple of years, and He has grown me so much. I remember how, not so long ago, the only great times I had in His presence were strictly at camp or Acquire the Fire or on a missions trip. I had such spiritual highs there, and in those places I would have amazing worship experiences; it was there that I felt closest to Him. 

How much has changed! After struggling for so long to keep up my quiet times, I now find them to be the best times I have with God. Sometimes, to my amazement and God's glory, I even find myself in a public worship experience (church, youth, etc.), and I actually desire to be alone with Him! I actually stand there at church or whatever and anticipate greatly the chance to be alone with Him, privately. I've shed tears with Him, been greatly moved by His presence while being alone with Him. 

If you had told me two years ago that I would be learning new things from God on my own, without a pastor preaching it, I wouldn't have believed you. But I find myself being molded and changed and taught and grown under His gentle guidance, with nothing but a guitar for worship, a Bible for reading, and a notebook to catch every word that comes from the mouth of the Father.

All to His glory. None of this is me. God knows, I still struggle to get alone with Him even after so much growth. I am utterly faithless but His faithfulness exceeds everything ever. He is so good. 

In view of eternity

I've played violin for almost 6 years now, so I've gotten to playing music that is very hard and complicated such as Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Vivaldi, etc. When I'm learning a new song, most of the time, several times throughout the song, there's a group of notes or a transition from one set of notes to another that I don't understand at all. It's not that I can't read the notes; I know what they say perfectly well. It's that I can't understand how the song is supposed to sound. A lot of times that group of notes or transition sounds terrible. When I'm struggling to get through the song while practicing, I get to the note and I don't want to play it because it doesn't sound right to me.

But when, eventually (usually not for some months later), I get to the point where I've finally learned the whole song and can play it through pretty well. It's then, when I can hear the whole song played together, that I understand that group of notes or transition. On its own, it made no sense to me. But in view of the whole song, it makes for a part of the song that is unique and really actually sets apart the okay composers from the great composers. 

I think in life we come across situations and changes that we don't understand in the same way. It makes no sense at all why someone in our family has to die, or go through a sickness, or be separated from family or whatever the situation is. As long as we're looking at the situation just in contrast to the season of life that were in right now, it won't make sense. But one day, we're going to see everything. We're going to see how God planned everything to fit His perfect will and used situations that seemed to be completely pointless to bring Him glory.